I’m caught in the throes of this, but I don’t really feel a part of it. I am a teacher, but I don’t feel like I am part of academia. I thought it would feel more cobblestone and ivy. More moss and red brick. More Dead Poets’ Society or Hogwart’s. More sweatervest and elbow patches. More dusty books and Latin. More of a cohesive community. More coffee shop conversation and philosophical meanderings.

I don’t feel that way about what I’m doing, but I’d love to. I’d love to really study something, discuss it, and live it to the extreme. I want to live on a campus again and be the recipient of knowledge. I want to be in plays and play on teams. Sadly, I want my whole world to exist on a few acres again like it did in college.

I’m probably just feeling this way because I spent a couple of hours on the UW campus on Saturday. I dropped Justin off at fencing and then read on the steps of the quad. The height of the buildings, the sun through the trees, the studious-looking residents, and the air of intelligence lured me back to the dream I have of either going back to school or teaching at a university. I know most of my perceptions about college life or college teaching are skewed. I know if I go back to school, it will never be like it was when I was there as an undergrad. I know that my four years are over, yet I liked them so much. There’s a certain magic that fills a college campus–a certain energy–when students are getting to know each other, themselves, and the world around them at such a fast pace.

How can I reconnect with such a world without being fake or without being the desperate “nontraditional student”? Is there anything out there for people like me who want the intensity and community of college but not the immaturity or sophomoric tendencies of the students? What can I do in my everyday life to pursue more community or intelligent conversation without feeling like I have to be on a campus? Or is wanting to be on a campus so bad after all?

Sigh.