I am staying home pretty much all weekend because a) the weather is “supposed” to be bad–we don’t want to venture over the passes for a hike; b) it’s the end of the month and there’s no extra cash; and c) I have a new semester starting Tuesday and I am ridiculously behind on grading (even though it’s been my life lately).

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I am working on this online bible reading plan to get through the bible in a year. Somehow I like reading it online, and then I thought about getting it emailed to me. However, the site charges $9 a year for the emails, so I guess I need to find another site.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I finished the Miranda July book, and now I am working on 3 books: Holly Springs, Surprised by Joy, and Omnivore’s Dilemma. I want to get more seriously into reading, hiking, and knitting after my grades are due. Right now those are on hold, like just about everything else (house cleaning, hanging out with friends, etc.).

I am concerned about how stressed I am about work, especially since my visit to the ER last weekend with chest pain and trouble breathing. I still have a dull ache all around my left chest area, but I don’t know what to think about it. I had bloodwork done, and EKG, and a chest xray, but they didn’t find anything (they were worried about clotting). They suggested anxiety and internal bruising from soccer. I don’t know what it is, but it’s still bothering me and I’m worried about playing soccer this Thursday.
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My grad school application is due this Friday. I’m pretty much finished; I just need to print out all of my materials and take in my immunization records and transcripts. I will feel much better about life when all of that is done (as well as my grades).
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Paul, the guy who has lived with us in our garage for the last two years, is in a coma in the hospital. It’s not looking promising that he will get out of it this time. Please keep him, as well as his family and friends in your prayers.

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So that’s the news from around here! I know–it’s all rainbows and butterflies, right? I really am happy–I just have a lot on my mind. That seems to happen as I get older. I want to focus more on the beautiful, positive aspects of life. It’s hard to walk the line between being Eeyore and Pollyanna.

I made these for myself last year. Let’s see how I did:

finish reading “New Testament and the People of God”: YES
read the Bible (exclusively) during Lent: NO
look for more opportunities to serve: Yes, somewhat
visit other churches’ activities to get reconnected with our brothers and sisters in Christ: Yes, somewhat
sign up for co-rec soccer: Done and done
learn Mandarin Chinese from Lan this summer (keep in practice with my Spanish and Italian, for starters!): No, she moved!
more hiking and camping: No camping, but some hiking
knit socks (NO), mittens (NO), baby kimono (Started it), baby blanket (No), baby bibs (YES), and wrist warmers (NO)
run in more 5Ks and 10Ks; run more regularly: Totally didn’t run at all last year
be more proactive with Mary Kay business: No, but doing OK
become more organized; get rid of several items a week (I hate having so much stuff that I don’t use just lying around!): YES! Doing that this year, too
go to Portland (NO, maybe this year), Vancouver (YES), New England/Northeastern States (NO, maybe this year), and San Francisco (YES!) with Justin
sing/play french horn again? learn bass (I picked up some in December!) and acoustic so that I am able to play (Not yet….)
garden (veggies and decorative) YES! I had a great garden this year, and I planted dahlias and other decorative garden plants
have friends over more often for dinner, etc. NO
become more professional as a teacher, as far as reading journals (NO), presenting more (YES), and getting published (NO); research PhD programs (YES!) in Science Education or other areas of interest
blog…with pictures! No….
be more money savvy: Started to become proactive, but we’re not there yet

I did about half of the resolutions on this ridiculously long list, which I count as some sort of triumphant victory. Does anyone actually expect to do all of them?

I should be doing so much right now…grading, cleaning, lesson planning, working on my application for grad school, enjoying the lovely sunny weather we are getting. However, the blog calls and it’s feeling rather neglected. I think my blog is jealous of twitter. This is how I’ve been keeping the world updated lately…one mini-post at a time. This post will be a BIG one about what’s going on in my life, and I think I will structure it based on the categories I have to the right here:

Books:
Currently reading Surprised by Joy (C.S. Lewis) and No One Belongs “Here More Than You (Miranda July)–both for book groups.

Music:
Just got DMB and Tim Reynolds: Live at Radio City and Grey’s Anatomy Season 3 Soundtrack for Christmas. In awe at Reynold’s guitar skillz.

Movies:
Depressed myself by watching A Crude Awakening about the upcoming oil shortage. Makes me want to live on a farm.

Trips I want to take in the near future:

I’d love to go to Portland for a long weekend trip to visit Powell’s. I also want to visit The Bridge church and stay at McMenamin’s Edgefield outside of Portland in Troutdale.
Quebec–just to feel like I’m in Old World Europe in the “New World”
New Zealand/Australia: it’s all about the wildlife and scenery….plus they speak English
Kenya or South Africa on adventurous days
New England/East Coast: we have lots of friends and family there
Idaho: visit J’s parents; ski or snowboard; play in snow; sit in hot springs in the cold weather

Knitting Projects:
Finished Anna’s Alpaca fuzzy black scarf. Still working on baby kimono. Might finish when baby is a teenager. Started making baby bib in purple and green jewel tones.

Seattle Weather:
Boring. Just boring. I prefer exciting weather, for instance snow and drastic changes in temperature. At least the past two days there has been some sun! I really should live further inland somewhere if I prefer such excitement.

Education:
I still have bitten off more than I can chew in my current teaching assignment: 3 preps in a high needs school is overwhelming, so I spend a lot of my “free” time working on school related work. Nevertheless, I am applying for a doctoral program called Leadership for Learning at the University of Washington (L4L at UW, shorthand). The program is mainly geared to people preparing for superintendent duties, but my focus would be on leadership for educators at the school-based level. My application is due February 1, and I still have so much to do on it. I have 2, 3-day weekends coming up.

TV:
Not much of this in my life, but I have enjoyed watching the Colbert Report and The/”A” Daily Show with John Stewart this week. I watch it online, though, which means it’s a day late.

Theater:
One of my new year’s resolutions is to actually get to the plays we have season tickets to. Seattle Rep won’t let you in late, and we inevitably get there 5-10 minutes late, at least the last few times. We have one coming up in February. Here’s to punctuality.

Technology:
Not much new in this category. I am working off of Justin’s old Vaio so we can both have wireless in the same room. Since the addition of Lesley’s cat to the household, we have not been working in the office, as we’d have to keep the door closed, and that’s a rather confined space.

Science:
I’m teaching AP Bio this year, so this week I will be working with Sordaria in a mitosis/meiosis lab. Woohoo!

Grrr…
I have too many for this category. Let me first state that I began to dislike being asked how my break was, because overall, it was a pleasant experience with friends and family, but a series of unfortunate events seemed to befall us. Let me explain.

The first leg of our trip went fine, except that I got sick the day after Christmas with a cold, right after having a sinus infection earlier that month. Being sick again meant that flying, which we did 2 days after I got sick, became ridiculously painful on my ears….and we had to do it twice that day. I couldn’t hear normally out of one of my ears, and a few days later (New Year’s Eve) I went to the doctor in my hometown. I ended up having an ear infection and got put on antibiotics that I just finished. Justin got the same bug, but it wasn’t as bad.

The next Grrr….comes from our flying experience. We just made our connecting flight from Salt Lake to Cincinnati, but our luggage apparently didn’t make it. My sis picked us up from the airport (and we got pulled over for speeding on the way to my Papa’s), and we decided to make our return trip to the airport the next morning, since our next stop would put us through Little Rock anyway. No luggage. Flight didn’t make it. “We’ll deliver it,” they said, “between 3 p.m. and 3 a.m.” 3 a.m……still no luggage. We called them. “We’ll deliver sometime today.” 4:30 pm: we got our luggage…2 days late. All of the presents I had for family I wouldn’t see again that trip was in there. Thanks, airline and baggage delivery service, for your convenience.

The time had come for our trip home. I called the night before to confirm that we had a 7 a.m. flight, which meant getting up at 4 to leave for Little Rock. “Yes,” the live person at Expedia said, “that’s correct.” 5:30 a.m. at the airport: “Your flight has been changed to 2 p.m.” Justin discussed this with an agent for an hour; they both made many phone calls. 2 p.m. remained the departure time. The glorious byproduct of this situation is that my parents were able to take us to Cracker Barrel and we has a scrumptious country breakfast (I, of course, had biscuits and gravy).

More rants: Why does UPS try to do deliveries that require signature confirmation on M-F during normal working hours? If I wasn’t there today between 10-2, why would I be there tomorrow at that time? And then, why are you not open on Saturdays?

Running:
Can we skip this one? OK, so I haven’t done much of this since Aaron, my running buddy, left. Also, I don’t have a gym membership anymore, and it’s dark before I get home (any more excuses?), so this isn’t so much part of my life right now, although I’d like it to be.

Church
So since our group isn’t meeting on Sundays anymore, we’re trying to figure out what to do next. For some, it means individual spiritual time on Sunday mornings. For others, it is visiting churches. For yet others, it is a combination of the two, depending on the week. That’s where I fit in. We’re still doing our other activities, but we’re trying to figure out what Sundays should really look like.

Exercise
I’m getting this some days, thanks to exercise videos for abs, buns, arms, and cardio. Yay! I like being sore, as it means I am making progress and working hard.

Food
I like cooking, but I don’t like HAVING to cook. I like being creative and I like having a choice. I think sometimes getting the pioneer organics box stresses me out because it’s like the fruits and veggies are a ticking time bomb that need to be cooked…RIGHT NOW!! We postponed our order for the last month, and I’m a lot more relaxed, although I haven’t been eating as many fruits and veggies. This AM I made blueberry pancakes and meatless bacon. I want to eat more healthily, so I like planning my menu ahead of time.

Friends and Family
I love you all and I don’t see you enough!

We just got back from our trip to Camano Island. What a relaxing weekend it was! I didn’t get much work done, so in many regards it was a retreat. I had a great time, but I left feeling guilty about what I didn’t do as far as paper grading. Aaron rented a beach house from a coworker, and Elaine, Jesse, Raleigh, Daniel, Aaron, Andrea, Asher, Justin, and I were there for the weekend. The “cottage” is 2 bedrooms/2 baths/2 stories and it’s right on the beach. We got there Friday night and mainly stayed inside for the whole weekend, as there is a lot of living space and the weather was unpredictable (mainly rainy and cool). That was fine, though, because we played ping-pong, watched Shallow Hal and Lemony Snicket, played Wii games, had a late-night poker game, talked, beach-combed, kayaked, ate A LOT, and just had a great time. I finished reading The Good Husband of Zebra Drive, which was one of my personal solitude treats. I ate some of Theo Chocolate’s Bread and Chocolate bars and drank my miracle red tea while finishing the book. This is one of my favorite things to do–drink hot beverages and eat chocolate while reading a book with a nice view nearby. Bonus points if it’s raining or if there are friends or family sitting quietly by, doing their own thing.

By the way, I call it miracle red tea because I kept whining about not having brought my own rooibos tea, and I asked Justin to find some while he went to the store Friday night, but since we were in a rather rural area, there was none. I whined some more the next day about my lack of red tea, and decided to make some of the Celestial Seasonings tea that a previous guest left behind. Upon opening the box, lo and behold, I found a solitary packet of red tea flavored with vanilla! I really appreciated the tea, savoring every sip.

Now I must work. Monday morning calls my name. I only have two more Mondays of teaching this year–and the last one doesn’t count since I’ll have a sub while I help with graduation rehearsal.

Summer is my one time to get away. Last summer I definitely did that–I had an excellent summer full of adventure on a 2-week road trip, a week-long workshop near Mt. Rainier, and almost two weeks in Hawaii. This summer does not yet have anticipation built into it, and because of that, I am feeling restless. I’ve had my first taste of summer this weekend, and because I didn’t have many plans Sunday, I got that listless, bored, sleepy feeling that I despise so much. don’t get me wrong–there was plenty I could have done, but I just didn’t feel like it–there was no pressure to do anything by a certain time. All I did was read and nap before my friend’s going-away party.

I can see my summer days becoming like that since I am not in grad school and I have no job or definite plans. This troubles me. I want to be someone who can just wake up and take care of chores around the house, read, tend my garden, visit with friends, and more without feeling like that isn’t enough. What I REALLY want to do this summer is take a cheap, hassle-free trip to a developing country–all arranged by someone else–and explore it while helping other people. I want to go to Costa Rica, Peru, Thailand, Kenya–anywhere where they’ll take me! I need something to wake up for each morning, yet I don’t want to have to wake up early EVERY morning. I also don’t want to necessarily be in Seattle all summer.

Why am I so restless? Why can’t I be content to enjoy Seattle’s excellent, tranquil summers? I know I’m afraid of boredom even though there’s so much to do around here. I want to escape here when the chance arises, because once the school year returns, I am tied down again. Grrr….Any solutions?

Tonight I am baby-sitting an adorable 9-month old. He crawls, pulls himself to standing, and tastes everything. Every detail of the world is new to him; he seems to be learning something new every second. Since no one else was around, I found myself making the dumbest noises around him in a seemingly instinctive effort to teach him words, music, rhythm, and sounds.

When I heard him uttering sounds and babbling to himself, I began thinking of the reverse of childhood–the childhood of senility, adult dependence, and aging. This childhood (and sometimes infancy) is obviously not the childhood most find endearing. There is a loss of hope that comes with observing babies and children, for when watching this group of tiny people, one is yearning for growth and learning. One thinks, “When will he take his first step? I wonder what he will be like when he is a teenager?” The hope for one who is in the second childhood or infancy is more of a time of reflection, regression, and, at times, depression. The hope in this case comes for life after death rather than for physical or mental progression in this life.

Sadly, some children stay in a state of permanent infancy or childhood. One of my students was relating this to me today in a class discussion. Her ten year old sister has the mind and actions of a one-year-old due to her mother’s heart medication while breastfeeding. I think one of my worst fears might be having a child that does not progress physically, mentally, socially, or spiritually. Another of my worst fears is facing the aging of my parents, my siblings, and my husband. I know if the time comes for me to confront any of these fears in the future, I will be given the strength. Who knew babysitting could prompt such reflection?

Although I am tired from our late-night Lowe’s trip, Safeway run, and video stop….
Even though I stayed up late to make a vanilla pudding-layered fruit salad and biscuits and gravy (not sure why I did)…..
Despite the fact that I ignored my bedtime to work on the Easter homily and got distracted by an online art encyclopedia for several hours….

this morning is a sunny, glorious Easter morning. The birds seem to be chirping the news that “Christ is Risen! Alleluia!”

Today we will celebrate at Daniel’s with feasting and rejoicing. I’m taking a ham, baked beans, and the fruit salad I made last night.

This afternoon I must:
–pack for tomorrow’s trip to Vancouver
–deposit checks in bank
–do laundry
–exercise
–finish knitting hat (almost done!)
–take shirt back to old navy
–work in garden
–clean out car (wash and vacuum)

There are some days that, with the sun shining on you in all of its warm, Spring-Break goodness and the Friday freedom settling in, make one dream. The possibilities seem endless. The future seems hopeful. I get restless. I reflect, dream, wish, think, and feel both optimistic and dissatisfied. These days make me wonder whether I am doing what I should be doing. They make me wonder why I watch so many movies and grade so many papers. They make me think about health, spirituality, literacy, creativity, beauty, truth, and justice. They make me want to DO SOMETHING. They make me think that anything is possible. This is one of those days….which leads me to my next point….

Tonight Justin and I saw “My Name is Rachel Corrie,” a play written about the young American woman who lived in Palestine for a few months to help stop the violence there. Although there is much more to this story than the play had time (and intentions) to get to, I was moved by this young lady’s intelligence, joie de vivre, passion, and conviction as portrayed by this play. The play was based off of her letters, e-mails, and journals, so it truly captured her voice, which moved me to want to act.

How does one take action in such a messed-up world? What passion can I pursue? What can I devote my life to that will truly make a difference in the lives of others? I feel like there is a secret menu somewhere with a list of world issues that well-off Americans can peruse, select the issue-of-the day, and comfortably try to make a change with the change left over from their cupholders. What can I really do? I feel like we take the easy way out when we say, “Oh, you ARE making a difference. Think about how many lives you impact each day…yadda yadda yadda.” I don’t feel like we can afford to do that. I want to concentrate my efforts–make them potent, passionate, and intense. I want to see the effects of my actions. Perhaps it is water that is provided for a village. Perhaps the malnourished bodies of infants become plump and healthy again. Perhaps I save a species, eradicate an illness in a village, rebuild a demolished city, help fight global warming, stop child soldier recruitment, or preserve a section of the rainforest. Am I naive to think I could make this much of a difference? What kind of a world would we live in if each one of us had a “pet” issue that we fought for throughout our lives? Most Americans can afford to do this, both time-wise and wealth-wise, but we don’t, and why not? Are we too afraid of what will happen if other countries don’t need aid anymore? Will helping other people threaten our superpower status? Do we just forget what our neighbors in other countries are going through? Do we find it too troubling to think about?

I am feeling incredibly un-incredible right now because I am thinking about how different–how much more passionate and creative–I could be. I am both energized and disheartened by this thought.

(This is from Saturday)

Today has been deemed education day. Not like the other days in my life AREN’t spent on this venture, but today is Saturday and, well, I had to PAY to do some of my education-related activities today.

First, we woke up bright and early to hear Jonathan Kozol speak at Seattle University. He brought home the idea that what urban schools with students of color need is more money, which will bring smaller class sizes and better materials. Amen to that. I’m tired of the initial monetary inequities and of the removal of money if a school is not performing “at standard.” I’m tired of starting off my year with 35-40 students per class. There is a lot more I am tired of in education, but I love the kids. I work with some stellar staff members. I just feel like the students I have need so much more than we’re giving them, and other students from wealthier homes will always have more opportunities unless some things change.

So…with that on my mind, I went to the Cleveland College Conference at our school. The day was set up with workshops for students, staff, and parents around parent advocacy, financial aid, personal statements, summer enrichment opportunities and more. I was thrilled to see so many community members and students there (and food catered by the legendary Jones’ BBQ!). I’m proud of events like this that encourage our students to further their education, especially when the week before this event, there was a spirit week and special assembly leading up to it.

To round the day off, our film night movie was Half Nelson. I didn’t make it through the whole movie, not because it was boring, but because my head hurt, dang it! The basic storyline is that this young, hip, inner-city NY teacher/basketball coach has a drug problem, and one of his 8th grade girl students/b-ball players finds out. He keeps making dumb choices, but is trying to help steer the girl in the right direction and away from the path of her older brother. It was difficult to watch, as most of these movies are too idealistic and “the underdog always wins”-themed, this one was gritty and had an ambiguous ending (so I’m told). I kept counting the number of lawsuits anyone else in this guy’s situation would have been faced with in any other town.

I watched Blood Diamond Friday night, which made me passionate about Africa again. I keep forgetting how horrible some people’s lives are–never knowing when men and young boys might come into your town, killing anyone for fun. I really got a taste of what boy soldiers go through to get that brainwashed, as well as an idea of how corrupt some countries’ governments are. don’t get me wrong–I know most governments are corrupt. However, when I know that, for the most part, our mail gets to where we send it, we can walk down the streets safely, we can earn a decent living, and we can know our families are safe, I think we’re doing pretty well. I’m glad to hear that Sierra Leone is at peace now (at least that’s what the end of the movie stated), but I know the Darfur region of Sudan (as well as other countries) are undergoing such strife that it’s hard to get excited about one country becoming more stable.

So, as you can see, many issues are weighing on my mind. Here’s to a more optimistic week, and some sort of clue as to how to deal with all of this.

So…this week has been full of work, play, friends, and rest. Now the end of my break is near, and the work I have to do seems endless. I don’t feel hopeless about it, but I do wish I had a few more days for hiking and whatnot. The weather has been surprisingly cooperative (by that I mean sunny), but all of that changed last night with the showers that will seem to linger for the next few (by that I mean ten) days.

Right now I am being powered by a double tall latte (my drink of choice). I think the “double” might be a bit much for me, as my eye is twitching now…..Anyway, I used to stare at the menus when I walked into coffee shop, looking lost—like I had never seen an artfully-drawn chalk-on-blackboard menu before. In reality, I was searching my soul and tastebuds for what I was in the mood for. Since that takes too much thought these days, and since I really don’t like sugary drinks, it’s all a matter of caffeine, so I usually rotate between mochas, americanos, or lattes. Then it’s only 3 choices to rotate between–dessert shot, hardcore caffeine, or breakfast shot.

For some reason, when I am caffeinated, I have a strong desire to pray, be creative, or engage in an animated conversation about hopes and dreams, which are usually beneficial, but not always feasible. I am trying to pray more regularly, and I don’t always want to have caffeine to do this. I am trying to do this by using a prayer journal which serves multiple purposes. First, I can be more focused. Second, I can track how often I am actually praying. Third, I can keep a record of what has been on my heart and mind, and see what prayers have been answered. I have tried this in the past, and it has been a useful exercise that I usually too quickly abandon.

Another activity I would like to do more often is spend more time with my hubby. We went out on a fancy-pants (or in my case, fancy-dress) date last night to the Metropolitan Grill. We had a gift certificate for it, so the valet parking and tip were all we had to really pay for. We had the house greens salad (candied walnuts, gorgonzola, pear, etc.), the filet mignon (Justin got house steak fries, I got mashed potatoes), and bananas foster. It was SO fun to see the bananas foster ON FIRE. Oh, the flames!!

We went for a walk after our yummeh dinner, hoping to get to the library for some warmth and book browsing, only to discover they closed at 6, so we trekked back against the wind to the car. Yay for the Met’s warming lamps in the lobby!

We arrived early for our play at the Rep, so we got discount parking ($5) far away. More walking! Despite that, we still arrived 15 minutes early to The Blue Door. We didn’t really know much about it, but we read that it had a small cast (two men) and an African-American woman playwright. I knew it was about an African-American mathematician facing a life crisis who was looking to his past to understand his present and future. The main character is struggling with his blackness and how it relates to the white-dominated field of mathematics. He “converses” with his great-grandfather, brother, grandfather, and father in the play. The blue door is a reference to his great-grandfather’s mother’s insistence that her door of her quarters as a slave be painted blue with indigo to keep the bad spirits out and the good ones in. I enjoyed the play, as I usually do when a play gets me to think about life and those with whom I engage. I would love to see more plays by Tanya Barfield.

Well, tonight holds babysitting, paper grading, and movie-watching. I hope to see The Departed with Justin tonight before the Oscar Party tomorrow. Here’s to the weekend, rainy as it may be.